The Coin Toss

The coin toss. The lottery. The metronome of fortune and despair.

The blissful state of mind before the storm is one in which I am envious. What about those like I that anticipate and worry and marinate in the ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’. I can feel the grief before I can touch it- and its’ taste is like velvet for the dark void within.

The dark void? Needs to be filled. Find something anything to try to control the uncontrollable. My mind goes to death and sickness but I am not. Maybe. Maybe not. You can never be sure and the vulnerability of that aches inside of me.

I’ve got a secret. A secret addiction that I hide from everyone, including myself. A morbid curiousity of sadness that makes me unable to exist in the happiness I am surrounded by. I follow terminal illness blogs, vlogs and unfortunate beings sharing their souls – all in the selfish hope I can find some answers. And yet I don’t. I feed the monster. Feed the void. Absorbing despair, grieving for strangers. I want to touch them, ease them, heal them for the sake of myself but I can’t.

Google the worst – find the monster. The possibilities are endless and the numbers are against us.

Nothingness. A realization and a fear. I wish I had a religion to fall into but I do not. And I can not. The blissful state of mind and lucious ignorance decays within me, this I know.

So I search – my body and the internet. For answers. Answers to the age old question and answers to my own lack of control.

Was it because he touched me… was it because he almost ended me? …That I live between the lines? Am I a shadow to this life… waiting but hoping that life will find me and not death? Maybe. Maybe not.

The coin toss – who is next on the chopping block. No one is safe, especially those like me that already exist in the limbo between life and death / health and sickness.

Time’s up. Maybe. Maybe not.

 

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