Happiness is a dirty word

Sometimes the good stuff just happens – unprovoked. Is the saying, “Good things happen to Good People” really true? Am I a good person? Maybe not.

I question my character now because my life has turned out to be pretty amazing. In terms of wealth in the form of love, I am a 1%-er. I’ve gone from never feeling at home anywhere to finding my perfect place. Things like this surely only happen in movies, right?

Things weren’t always this way. I didn’t always have a beautiful family that fit me like a glove. I didn’t always have a partner in crime that just is so good at understanding my many shortcomings and helping me process some of the residual trauma that still lingers. It’s so easy to become complacent in really looking at your own life and basking in the happiness when you are in it.

Now I am not an expert in happiness but any means. Up until the past 5 years, my life was lonely and chaotic. Just a whirlwind of madness that I seemingly felt pretty comfortable in. In other words, a lot of drinking, a lot of strange men, and a lot of just reaching within myself to pull those inner demons closer to the surface. But it was my normal and I don’t think I was sad but I know I wasn’t happy. I just was. Numb, perhaps.

Happiness is a strange construct – it is an ever-distancing line in the sand that just tempts us into believing that things can be better. It’s the cheap sugary cereal of the breakfast foods – it lies about being healthy, gives you a rush of sugar, and never really fills you up. On my quest to happiness, nothing felt good enough because I never felt how I thought I would feel. Happiness was always fleeting – like a non-sexual lust and it led me down too many wrong paths. Each goal I achieved or thing/person I had in my grip never brought the euphoric feeling I thought it would – or if it did, it quickly dissolved into more of that numbness. Like I drug, I spent years chasing a moving target.

But now I am complete. And I have no idea how this happened… Was it just a surrender to the lack of happiness that brought on this new feeling of “completeness”? I think so. By giving in to what I thought would make my life full, my life filled up and it is better than I could have possibly imagined. And it’s not settling – I understand that feeling all to well. Settling is a side crusade of happiness. Completeness is just not needing anything more and being grateful for everything you have.

So maybe the end of this ramble would be the advice to just allow good things to happen to you by not forcing a preconceived notion of what you think life should be for yourself. And don’t look for happiness – happiness is a dirty misguided word – find a way to be complete. Choose the Oatmeal over Corn Pops – and you possibly might find a way to stay full.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s